Lossst Preciousssessss
by Orlijah Bloomwood
Summary: Legolas is a feminine personal hygiene consultant to the rest of the fellowship who've grown weary and dread any more of legolas' "advice and helpful beauty tips" There is a cliffhanger involved!! Warnings of hissyfits from his/her royal highness Legolas
1. The Dawn of A New Day & New Hissyfits

Disclaimer: You know wut it's gonna be, so I don't feel like typing it..  
  
As usual, no flames, but, please, do review my pathetic excuses for stories.Haha, j/k.Yeah, um..ok..  
  
Tell me whether this is worth burning or keeping up or continuing, thanks, ur "support" means so much to me.I am not worthy.  
  
Been reading too many Dilbert comics lately.  
  
And as you read, keep these questions in mind:  
  
+Where did Legolas' tampons go??? +Where is Aragorn's royal Viagara??? +Where are Sam's prized spatulas??? +Where are Gimli's coloured contact lenses??? +Where have Merry & Pippin been lately??? +Where's Gandalf's diet Prozac??? +Where's Boromir's trusty rusty unicycle??? +And where the hell is FRODO'S GUCCI BAG?! (oh yeah-and with the ring inside of it!!!)  
  
  
  
Lossst Preciousssessss  
  
  
  
Legolas Greenleaf, fair, young, princess-er, um.prince of Mirkwood awoke with a start. "ORCS!!! ORCS!! ORCS!! ORCS ARE COMING!!" (S)he screeched, waving his/her arms around frantically, whacking a sleeping( or was sleeping) Frodo on a more sensitive part of his hobbit body.  
  
"DAMMIT!! You elven princess!! It's enough having you along, complaining all the way how you're having cramps, and that we need to stop at a local village to pick up some Midol and heat patches for your damned period!! Then, getting all that crap isn't good enough!! Just as we are well on our way again-LO AND BEHOLD!!! Fair Princess Legolas of Mirkwood NEEDS EVEN MORE TOILETRIES!!!!" an enraged Frodo shouted, mockingly, at the horrified elven prince-ss.  
  
"Well, SoOoOOo-Oory!!! I didn't mean to hit poor, innocent, oh-so- important-ring-bearer, attention-hogging, little Frodo Baggins of BagEnd on his beloved HOBBIT FEET!! Which I think you dirty little hobbits take pride on far too much to do you meddlesome creatures any good!! At least I request the need for toiletries, unlike SOME PEOPLE who can stand the thought of going 1 DAY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!! ONE FULL DAY!!! A WHOLE DAY without a decent exfoliating bath, deep conditioning for the gorgeous full- of-body-and-finesse-hair, of course-if your hair was beautiful to begin with., deep pore cleansing facial, foot massage, manicure-with those cute FRENCH tips, I might add, pedicure-with those same pretty French tips, brushing your teeth with Crest Dual-Action Whitening at least 3 times a day, plucking your eyebrows to prevent the much dreaded unibrow, shaving-at least for you men.we elves do not require such a horrid task, besides, I heard razor burn stings like an elven arrow through the heart-ooh, to think of such dreaded things is beside me!! Look at what you've made me do FRODO!!! Anyway, I'll kindly update you later about what toiletries I prefer to use on a daily basis. You all obviously need to freshen up a bit- on everything." Legolas retorted, before (s)he had gone blabbing on and on about what necessities made his/her life work out.  
  
"Oy Legolas!! You've made my life so much better now, now that I am grossly informed of such necessary daily bodily nourishments! I don't know what I'd do without your helpful beauty tips, just the thought of going a day without a full body makeover is BESIDE ME!!" Frodo shouted back, sarcastically and mockingly in a high-pitched girly tone similar to that of Legolas'.  
  
"Why, you're quite welcome Mr. Baggins of BagEnd!!!" Legolas cheerfully responded, his/her face lighting up with a smile that nicely showed off his/her cute dimples. (S)He obviously didn't catch onto the sarcastic and biting tone offset by the strained girlish voice Frodo displayed.  
  
"THE STUPIDTY!! I simply refuse to believe this horrendous creature an elf!! I have seen through years of experience that there are none other like him.her-IT!!! WHY?! Oh WHY?! WHY DID LORD ELROND OF RIVENDELL ASSIGN US THIS HEINOUS TASK OF BRINGING LEGOLAS ALONG AS PART OF OUR FELLOWSHIP?!?! WE HAVE YET TO ARRIVE AT LOTHLORIEN, AND THIS IS HOW INCREDIBLY BAD IT ALREADY IS!!! I DON'T DARE THINK OF WHAT GRIEVOUS TIMES WE MUST SUFFER IN MORDOR ALONG WITH THAT PURELY EVIL CONCOCTION OF MARTHA STEWART MIXED WITH THOSE BLASTED "PERFECT" PREPPIES WITH A TOUCH OF MORTIFYINGLY UNREAL COMPLEXIONS OF THOSE NEUTROGENA GIRLS, KNOWN ULTIMATELY-AND TO THE DEATH OF ME AS- LEGOLAS!!!" Frodo concluded, out of breath with his face an unnaturally bright shade of red, hair sticking out every which way, drops of sweat trickling down his face, and his little fists clenched, as if threatening to strike anyone who dared come near him while on the verge of an insane fit.  
  
Legolas sank back against the rough bark of a nearby tree, with a sad, brooding look upon his/her lovely face. (S)He heaved a heavy sigh, forcing back the tears welling up in his/her bright blue eyes. His/Her scrunched up brow and full lipped pout made him/her seem all the more appealing; to Frodo s(he) seemed all the more feminine, pitiful, and unusually annoying. (S)He had not been shouted at in such a manner by his/her peers before, especially not because (s)he h seemed all the more feminine, pitiful, and unusually annoying. (S)He had not been shouted at in such a manner by his/her peers before, especially not because (s)he had merely been offering his/her view of what one needed to survive. (S)He quietly took her brush out of her Tommy Hilfiger bag, and began absentmindedly running it through his/her long silky hair. All of a sudden, (s)he stopped, remembering the contents (s)he noticed when (s)he took out her brush.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The piercing scream was heard for acres and acres. It wouldn't have been much of a surprise if Lord Elrond's morning tea were interrupted by it.  
  
  
  
"WHERE DID MY TAMPONS GO?!" Legolas shrieked, the force of it knocking back poor Frodo and anything else standing.  
  
Obviously, the rest of the Fellowship had already awakened, and had been watching the heated argument since the cry of 'Orcs!' from the now most distraught elf. They had decided they best not intermingle, for fear of thrown beauty products or even worse, thrown Hobbit. So they decided for their sake and Middle Earth's sake, just to leave them as they were- shouting in fits of fury and blood boiling and disturbing the peace in a most, well, disturbing fashion.  
  
Suddenly, the battle cry of Orcs could be heard, and all else was forgotten, for now, for not just Legolas' precious tampons were missing, but other things as well.. Tune in next time as the fate of the 4 hobbits, 2 men, 1 wizard, 1 dwarf, and 1 extremely pissed elf with PMS..'Til next time my friends, so long, and take care.  
  
  
  
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Hahaha, how'd ya like that cliffhanger eh? AND YOU'LL BE KEPT IN SUSPENSE FOR ANOTHER 3 WEEKS!! HAHAHA!! SO TO ENSURE THAT I UPDATE, REVIEW GENEROUSLY AND CHRONICALLY!!! SO LONG MIDDLE-EARTH!! I'M GOING TO CHINA!!! ;p 


	2. Valley Gurl Passes Out

A/N: WAAHOOOO!!! RENAISSANCE FAIRE OCT. 7th!!! GOIN WIT MY SCHOOL!!! Haha, it's gonna be awesome. From 'connections' on the bus, I was informed they sell STING AND ANDURIL THERE!!! I was told Sting is available only for $50!!! Haha!! Beat that internet suckers tryin to take our monies from us!!! HAHAHA!! BUT U GOTS TO BE 18 TO EVEN TOUCH THE SWORDS!!! Arrgh, I'm goin wit the folks l8er to get 'em. Hehehe.  
  
I made a costume too! Hehe, I have a cloak!! Yay!!! There's a blue satiny fabric inner skirt thing, then an outer piece that ties in the front and has big sleeves made of velvety stuff, then my cloak!! Haha!! HAIL AND WELL MET!!!!  
  
Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I have been writing in Study Hall, just never had the time to type it up. Herez Ch. 2, must read and review if you want the next chapz, which I have written.  
  
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Lossst Preciousssessss  
  
Ch. 2 Valley Gurl Passes Out  
  
"Tampons?" Frodo yelled, alert, "Forget that!! My bag's gone completely!!! OH SHIT!!! I put the ring in there for safekeeping!! Oh F***!!!!!" Frodo yelled even more loudly, alarming the rest of the fellowship too.  
  
"How can you complain about me and my compulsive hygiene habits when you go and lose the one thing that can enable the Dark Lord to destroy this world?! Think of how much money Clairol, Covergirl, L'Oreal, Maybelline, Neutrogena, Revlon, Almay, MAC, and Bonnebelle would lose!!! And that's just to name a few!!" Legolas paused briefly for a breath and to apply some lemba flabored lip gloss. "OH MY GOSH," (s)he continued in sudden realization, going very pale, "All their customers would be gone, AND MY PRECIOUS SEPHORA WOULD HAVE TO GO OUT OF BUSINESS!!!!" (S)He stood there, shaking, feeling weak in the knees and sweating a bit.  
  
"Uh oh, here it comes!" Gimli shouted, meaning the orcs, but Frodo thought differently and ducked into an overgrown bush and clamped his hands down over his ears.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
Legolas screamed, then passed out. He somehow landed gracefully atop a bed of fresh leaves, by the root of a shady tree.  
  
The first orc appeared all of a sudden from behind the tree Legolas was under and snorted at him ferociously.  
  
"Aaaaahhh! I'm gonna die!!" Legolas screeched, picking up his/her head, then dropping it down again in valley-gurl-had-a-heart-attack-mode.  
  
Aragorn had been prepared and now lept out of another tree, slicing at the orc with Anduril. The orc lept out of the way and Aragorn collided with the tree and fell painfully onto the ground next to Sleeping Legolas and his/her Tommy bag.  
  
"Hey, this stuff could come in handy for once!" He reached over and snatched up the bag. Rummaging through it, he picked up a few things and stuffed them into his pockets.  
  
All the while, the orc stood there, scratching its head, picking at the infection it got form its newest piercing.  
  
"TAKE THAT ORC!!!!" Aragorn roared, lunging towards the orc.  
  
The orc gave a slow "Huh?" (Think Harry & Maude in Home Alone). It was too late for it to duck and soon it and Aragorn were covered in a cloud of powder.  
  
  
  
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Haha, yeah. It gets better later, trust me. You will all see. Any ideas? Oh, and if any1z been to the Ren Faire, tell me wut it's like in ur review? I wanna b as prepared as possible! Adios pplz! 


	3. Beast Beauties

I am heartbroken, no Sting. Stupid parents wouldn't take me back to the Ren Faire to get it. Cuz they didn't have the weapons available on school days. Durnit. Mite take awhile for the next chap, cuz I actually use Study Halls these days to study, so here ya are.  
  
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Lossst Preciousssessss  
  
Ch. 3 Beast Beauties  
  
There was a moment of silence, clouded in a poof of finishing powder. When the powder faded away, an orc was seen standing there bewildered.  
  
"By Luthien the Fair! I'm me again!" The orc yelled, amazed at its transformation.  
  
The orc was covered from head to claws in a fine, silky, L'Oreal translucent powder, in ivory. Aragorn had moved quickly enough to smear a light glimmer of Maybelline's Wet Shine Diamonds in Ice Princess on its dry, flaky lips. A light glimmer of golden eye shadow highlighted its lids and a light coating of pink blush illuminated its cheeks.  
  
"You see?" Other creatures appreciate makeup and all its wonders! And with good reason too!!" Legolas proclaimed, sitting up from his bed of leaves, rousing from his coma like state, victory in his/her eyes. Sunlight dramatically lit up his golden hair and runway model features.  
  
"My goodness! Thank you, kind Ranger, who meant to slaughter me, but instead has transformed me into a god!" The orc smiled happily, walking over to Aragorn to give him a hug. He moved out of the way, scared.  
  
"Uhh-you're welcome, I guess," he said slowly, climbing into a tree, escaping the orc was still trying to give him a huggy hug.  
  
"Forget him!! He's one of those 'non-believers'!" Legolas said smugly, walking towards the orc. "In fact, I'm the only one here that does believe in the magic of makeup and good hygiene habits!!"  
  
The orc looked up at Legolas with a glimmer of worship in its eyes.  
  
"Now, now. What ARAGORN over there has done is nothing but a mess job- nothing but useless chicken scratch. I'm still surprised he knew what everything was supposed to be used for! Big props to you, Estel!" Legolas said, grinning at him, very proud he/she had made a difference-beauty tip wise-in Aragorn's life.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, uh, watch Arwen sometimes. And it's rare that YOU aren't putting on some sort of makeup everytime I turn to look at you!" Aragorn said.  
  
"Aww-Aragorn's jealous," Legolas made a mock pouty face. "Would Strider- wider like some help sometime? Maybe a make-y over?"  
  
"Or a huggy-hug?" The orc put in, stretching out its arms towards the frightened man in the tree.  
  
"Uh, no thanks. I like the rugged outdoor look of mine. Attracts my chick Arwen," Aragorn replied, self admiringly, thinking back to fond memories of him and Arwen doing stuff together.  
  
"Suit yourself," said the prince(ss), turning back to the orc. "Would you like me to give you a FULL proper makeover, huh?"  
  
The orc nodded eagerly, eyes glued to Legolas' pretty complexion.  
  
"Don't worry, by the time I'm through with you, you'll look prettier than Heidi or Tyra could ever hope to look."  
  
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Please, r/r. Hope ya enjoyed, and to Celebrindal, apology accepted, and if ya don't like Legolas bashing, well, don't read the rest of this, k? Thanx Whamsicle, thanx for stickin up for me!  
  
Adios~Peace, luv, and snickerdoodles. ;P 


	4. So Hot In Herrre

Another I haven't updated in such a long time!!!  
  
WARNING!!! POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS GRAPHIC SCENES AHEAD!! If you are suffering from any medical conditions that puts you in the categories of "weak of heart" or "easily nauseated" PLEASE DO NOT READ MY STORY!!! I've had more than enough lawsuits hurled towards me for other unmentioned reasons already!!! I HAVE WARNED YOU!!!!  
  
*Others of which the warning does not pertain to, please enjoy with a nice bowl of ice cream & Vanilla Coke ;-P *  
  
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Lossst Preciousssessss  
  
Ch. 4 So Hot In Herrre  
  
"Awww, man!" Now he's gonna go & get out his kit!" Gimli grumbled, bending over to make a comfy leaf pile.  
  
"Great, we'll just be delayed ANOTHER week from 'Lorien," Frodo complained from inside the bush he was still trapped in. Merry & Pippin, too scared to involve themselves until now, sighed in agreement, and followed Gimli's wise example in making some comfy leaf piles to sit upon for the interminable beauty session that was bound to have had happened sooner or later.  
  
Boromir and Gandalf had nothing better to do so, and were too lazy to move to sit down, so they just stood there and stared blankly. A squirrel climbed on the still open mouthed Gandalf. It quickly scurried up his robe & grabbed hold of his long, bushy beard, that it found very soft and luxurious, so it decided to stay put there. Boromir looked over, half asleep. Another squirrel came and decided it would perch itself on the FULLEST part of the back of Boromir's cloak.  
  
Aragorn had naught to say about all of this so he just stood silently, leaning against a tree, knowing full well that any interruption at this point would just result in him getting HIMSELF unwillingly made over.  
  
Legolas smiled with the utmost triumph and excitement gleaming in his eyes. He whispered softly.  
  
"Let the makover begin."  
  
He stretched his arms out in front of him and cracked his knuckles, then twisted his neck, and proceeded to do some arm stretches; all as a force of habit after his many years of being the most knowledgeable beauty specialist in all of Middle-Earth.  
  
Legolas stood upright suddenly, unmoving, lipgloss shining, skin perfectly highlighted in all the right areas. He slowly started tapping his index finger on his leg.  
  
"HIT IT BOYS!!!!" He yelled abruptly, raising his finger into the air. The song 'Hot in Herre' started playing immediately from the forest band, which consisted of squirrels on background vocals, numerous other wild animals on percussion, trees as DJ's, and Elrond coming out from behind a tree, rockin' the Vokal gear and ice, holdin a mic rapping.  
  
"I prefer working with a musical accompaniment," he told the orc, who stood there, with glazed eyes of fondness & worship.  
  
"Come on, chillax, dance for a lil' bit, then we can begin the task at hand," Legolas then startled gyrating through the trees bumping and grinding some. He passed some female squirrels in the midst of singing "I am getting so hot! I wanna take my clothes off!" He immediately flung out his cloak at them. It landed on one of the squirrels, causing her to pass out, starry eyed and dumbfounded from getting a personal souvenir from the Prince. Her fellow girlfriends rushed over at once, fanning her face, in an attempt to rouse her once more before the next chorus.  
  
"Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint  
  
Covergirl makeup, on at this point  
  
Your with a winner so baby you can't lose  
  
I got secrets can't leave Mirkwood  
  
So take it off like you're home alone  
  
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone  
  
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,  
  
like "Legolas, I think my butt gett'n' big" (oh)"  
  
The squirrels chimed in with their part again, after Elrond completed his verse, changing some of the words to fit the situation at hand.  
  
"I am getting so hot! Legolas take your clothes off!!" They chirped eagerly, waiting for some action from the macho man. Legolas promptly started pelvic thrusting and slowly started to strip his clothes.  
  
The orc looked on eagerly as well, wondering what beauty secrets he held underneath.  
  
The squirrels on Boromir's ass & Gandalf's beard shook to the beat, dancing around, too. Gandalf's beard was now an unruly tangled mess of grey-white hair and squirrel fur. Boromir enjoyed the tingle and slight massage he was receiving on his buttocks by his own squirrel.  
  
"MEEP!!!!!!" Came the battle cry of more orcs, followed by the immense noise that the collision of heavy orc foot and forest-life created.  
  
The music faded immediately, with Elrond inconspicuously slipping behind a tree, along with his backup singers, who reluctantly vanished along with him into the forest.  
  
This alerted the crew and sent a fresh rush of adrenaline through them all in preparation for battle, all except for Legolas, who hung his head, regretfully, and whipped his bow, arrows, and cheap cologne spray in an effort to steel himself for the onslaught of a rapidly approaching mass of orcs.  
  
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WHOO!!! How'd ya like that?! I found this chapter scribbled on sum looseleaf from October of last year, I finally typed it up, adding in a few new details herre & thurr, so yeah, hope to update this soon again & thanx for your reviews!! ;-P Keep the peace & the bacon, eggs & cheese!! Far Easstsiide representin' yo!!! Holla!!! ( 


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